Career Development Plan

A friend emailed me something I wrote long ago and have since completely forgotten. I think I was quite witty back then. Well, I laughed today at what I wrote ten years ago:

Michele Shaw writes:
> ** Create a career development plan

This is a concept which has always baffled me.



This document details the future as it applies to me, paying particular attention to my career preferences. In the course of this, accurate predictions will be made of technological advances, market forces, personal life developments, revelation, disillusion, and of course my future personal preferences. The result will be a wholly useful and informative opus, whose scope is not limited in any practical way, and which is neither a success placebo nor a daydreaming exercise designed to impart artificial job satisfaction.

1. Introduction

Many things affect the future career of anyone in a rapidly changing industry, but fortunately most of them are amenable to management analysis born of the fast-moving hamburger approximation and retail industry, and so the problem of the directivity of time is not, empirically, an obstacle to such analysis. Accordingly, the future is laid out in the following sections by date.

2. Year 1998

In the late part of the year, political mistakes by the heads of department will allow me to lead a coup and restructure the department, leaving me as nominal second-in-command, behind an ineffectual cannonfodder manager who knows discretion and little else.

3. Year 1999

The release of the hitherto-secret GNU automatic program-verification module for libbfd leaves the software industry stunned as it detects and flags bug after bug in binary code worldwide. Salaries fall as IT orgs and sub-orgs shed staff like woolly coats in July. I move into management of project integration at this point.

4. Year 2000

Microsoft's widespread and now GNU-debugged software runs slowly on intel machines worldwide, and they lever their monopoly for all it's worth. The collapse of the world's economy in January impels thousands of crippled businesses to switch to Microsoft products, because, ironically, they work better than the other stuff, and they're Microsoft compatible. I become a system developer at Microsoft, working on parallelising BFD so that the incredibly slow software can be stretched by throwing it at more hardware.

5. Year 2001

U.S. DoD switches its systems over to Microsoft Dimensions (the successor to Windows NT, is byte-compiled, has special instruction codes for load-low-low-longword, load-high-low-longword, load-low-high-longword, and load-high-high-longword to perform 128-bit computing). A synchronisation bug in BFD causes global eschaton.

6. Conclusions

I shall not invest stock, save money, or maintain a 401(k) plan.

7. Acknowledgements

I could not have completed this plan without the aid of Cassandra Tetragrammaton, one of HR's many talented omniscient career resolution consultants. Although she is on catatonic depression leave at the moment, I sincerely hope she will return in time to see the realisation and success of the plan she has helped me compile.

We are Chicken of Borg. You will be assimilated and... SQUAWK!

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